Comments on Spontaneous Derivation: Arcady and Zene: A Decent Christmas

Thanks, Kate!Hmmm. I see a pattern forming here. ...

2007-12-31T19:21:16.261-08:00

Thanks, Kate!

Hmmm. I see a pattern forming here. It was also there through... I forget how many words... 140k during NaNoWriMo insanity fever....

This is an interesting piece, sort of sedate but w...

2007-12-31T16:11:15.535-08:00

This is an interesting piece, sort of sedate but with a nice, complacent ending. Good job!

Susan and Ann, thanks for reading and commenting, ...

2007-12-22T23:34:54.449-08:00

Susan and Ann, thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it very much!

Susan, I've heard of The Heroin Diaries before, so I think I understand.... and that's another book to put onto my growing reading stack. :)

Ann, thanks for your in-depth comments; and you've hit the nail squarely on the head about the ending. Even when I finished the story I was wondering to myself, "Zene. Zene? Aw man. Don't be the plywood block supporting your coffee table again...."

I didn't know what to do at the point, though, so I tried to do the minimum (have him think the ale was OK after all) before finishing with the ending line. I read The Message, Ann, and I was impressed by the shift you mention. I think I have a better idea now of where to go with this little piece, and might even do something more with it before Christmas Eve (or not depending on how crazy it's all gonna get, heh). Thanks!

I also did think a day ago, when I was doing some recording for it, that this would make a nice start for a second murder mystery adventure for them (although the first one is still going underway, every Friday). It seems to take a murder to make Zene truly unwind.

This is one of those stories in which nothing real...

2007-12-22T22:57:03.182-08:00

This is one of those stories in which nothing really happens, but the story works, anyway. It's a neat trick to be able to pull off. A story of this nature begs for backstory and I was glad you didn't fall into that trap. You said just what needed to be said and no more.

I was a little unclear at the end, though, as to Zene's real feeling about the events of the day. You had him thinking it was a decent Christmas, but something in action or word choice didn't convey any new emotions. That may have been your intent, but I think there's an opportunity here to convey a real sense of relief that Zene has found himself in a nice place and in good company, after all.

While I claim no mastery of this art, read my story The Message if you have a few minutes and want to see what I mean. At the end, there is an emotional shift in how my two male characters relate to each other, but it's all below the surface of their actions.

In sum (sorry for the rambling comment) I like this little story. There's room to do more with it, but depending on your vision for it, that might not be necessary.

May we all have decent holidays!

There's something about this that reminds me of tw...

2007-12-22T12:58:48.573-08:00

There's something about this that reminds me of two things. First would be a bunch of guys I dated in college. And second is the way The Heroin Diaries opens, which makes little sense, but there you go.

Interesting piece!